What’s So Funny?

Some things i am still such a child about. i don’t always do the right thing or the mature thing, and those times when i am immature are rather inexcusable. my sense of humour is one of those things that needs modification. i snicker at people at the wrong times… i’m sarcastic when i should show respect. my… rebellious tendencies aren’t desired at all. Not by me, not by Dom, not by my parents, not by anyone else. Well… i suppose that there are a good many people out there who would love to be given a reason to be angry with their SO; to abuse someone else for “justifiable” reasons. Dom doesn’t hurt me or  rage at me when i am childish… He merely communicates His displeasure via becoming silent or by asking me why i said or did whatever thing i did. Once i realize the extent of my error, and how it’s all fun and games until i do something irritatingly childish and impish… i feel very bad, as i know i should.

i am an adult, practically. i think that it’s time that i acted as such. i can have humour, and be funny. i can make jokes and be amusing. But in a non-impish way. i am learning that being disrespectful is never funny. my parents were too lenient with me, i suppose. They always knew that i would never have the spine to stand up against them, and i hardly ever have. But i would be sarcastic and snide… i would jokingly be defiant. It’s a very poor habit that i will have to un-learn. It won’t be hard… i know that the root of the issue is that i am a tease. A form of childishness that i intend to discard. It’s not a good character trait at all.

That’s a Fact

As i have seen and believed things to be, quite a number of the things that we like or love are only fully appreciated of accepted if certain parameters are met. We only like that type of food if we have a healthy appetite… we only appreciate the sound of that music if we are feeling peaceful… we only find that joke humorous if we’re in a good mood. But some things never have a prerequisite. If you’re not willing to forgive someone until after they do something to prove their penitence, then you aren’t forgiving them. You’re getting even, you’re getting paid back in some way. If you’re only willing to love someone if they change themselves completely… well… you don’t love THEM. You like the idea of having something completely, totally different.

i love Dom. Not because someday He’ll father my children… not because someday He’ll become wiser, or a better man… my love for Him has no acceptable parameters, or prerequisite. i love Him, as He is now, as He has been, and as He will be. No matter how much or how little He changes from how He is today, i will still love Him with the same devotion and affection as i do now. my reason for loving such a perfect, honest, wise man? my reason is, i love who He is- His mind, His body, and His soul. Those may change, but they together will still be Him. i love the whole, the root of all of the good and wonderful things He says and does. That’s a fact.

Contact

Having a long-distance relationship isn’t hard. Maintaining the relationship, keeping in contact is simple as long as onecan either call over the phone, text over the internet, or send letters. For Dom and i, texting is the more practical means. It doesn’t cost anything per text, and We can talk real-time. He has a webcam, and i’ll be getting one soon as well, so that We can both text and see one another in live motion. i think that it will be so amazingly fun, and simply cool to be able to do that together. i can imagine that Dom will want me to turn my webcam on very often once i get it, ehehe. i know that i always love it when He lets me see Him. It’s almost as good as hearing His voice! Now… someday, i’ll get to do both at the same time…. that’ll be ultimate.

Talking over the phone a few months back racked up a surprisingly large phone bill for Dom, so now He can only call after eleven CST… but i sleep then, so We don’t talk much weekdays. Weekends are free all day, so We take advantage of that. i have a phone, but my phone plan restricts Us to roughly eleven hours of contact per month… at least until today. my mother is planning on upgrading the plan to accommodate Dom and my talking, so We’ll have unlimited minutes (or so i’ve been told). That makes me amazingly happy. i’m all for being able to talk together whenever We need or want to. i’ll be able to hear His dommly, sexy voice any time of the day. Very, very good time.

More To Learn

There’s always more to learn, and that’s the truth of it. Today, my mother confronted me and informed me that she was not at all pleased with me. She says that i am a jellyfish- spineless and weak. She’s right, of course… i am weak. i’m not a strong, tough or rough woman. i don’t need to be independant and tough though… so i don’t worry about that. i do not see myself as a pathetic example of a human being. i see myself as different than my family, but different in a way that is not synonymous with “bad” or “subpar”. The understanding that i did have from my mother’s rather derisive lecture, was that i need to shape up and be more strong and confident with my parents. i don’t mean, that i should be defiant or stubbourn… but i shouldn’t be afraid of them or timid. After all, they love me, ya? i have nothing to worry about, and of all things, i should probably love them, and show that love sans fear.

i don’t like my parents though. i used to wonder if that was a bad thing, to not have mutual attraction to them, a desire to be with them or talk to them. Other kids did, children in movies and books did. i don’t have a permanence with mine… i’ve never thought that i want to discuss things with my family. They’re just so much different. They have ideas and beliefs that i do not share, nor do i particularly wish to adopt. i wanted to make my family happy, so i tried to follow their lead, but it only caused me unhappiness to lie as i did. Eventually, i stopped lying and the truth came out… then, my mother was hurt. i do not think that my father cared much either way- he’s never been particularly focused on how i live my life, as long as i am happy and i follow his rules. Even though i didn’t like my mother then, as now, i didn’t intend to hurt her. i still don’t. i do not think that some of her words today, some of the way she said things were entirely true or nice… but she is still right. i need to be stronger in every peripheral of my life. With Dom, well… i could never have defenses or priorities above His well-being and happiness. my desire to love and serve Him, to be absolutely devoted stands.

Today though, i learned that i had fallen into being too easily submissive to a few others. Well… that won’t happen again. i have a strong streak in me, maybe it just needed to be awakened. i am a Horse, after all [that is, Year of the Horse]. They’re supposed to have independant, loner-type qualities. Apparently, i don’t quite fit that definition, but i do have the ability to be strong when it is required, when it is right. i don’t feel happy when anyone but Dom pushes me around or dominates me. i won’t become angry at them, or rage at them if they do, but i won’t cower either.

Back on Track

Lately, I haven’t been feeling so very good. I’ve been feeling nauseated, tired, and achy. I haven’t felt like going anywhere or doing anything particular. I haven’t been eating much, and I lost some weight. I really don’t need to do that, though, and I’m correcting that anomaly. I forgot to post an entry yesterday- hence the two today- but I am remedying that as well, and I won’t forget in the future. I was caught up in power-levelling Dom’s hero on City of Heroes, and I wasn’t in a position to step away once I’d started. I was leading a team and playing a central part. But still, I could have written it before I started, and I will do so next time, or I will ask Dom if I might skip my blog and focus on whatever it is that I’m doing instead.

Ahh… for the whole week, and probably for a few weeks after that, there will be no loud, bossy baby living at our house. It’s such a vacation from the usual noise and business. I love all of the quiet and overall peace. It’s very conducive to feeling relaxed, calm… not irritated or headach-y. I do enjoy the atmosphere so much more without the baby.

Dom is still on vacation, and We’ve been able to keep in contact very well. We talked over the phone a lot during the weekend, and that was wonderful! I love hearing His voice, and I love being able to talk to Him. He isn’t getting very good internet connection where He’s currently staying, so gaming together is on hold… but He can text with me, so We have been keeping in touch that way during the week. I’ll be doing extra homework with my extra time, getting it done sooner, hopefully. It feels good to be progressive about things, for sure. ^_^

Sheep

Dom talked to me about people yesterday. He asked me, firstly, what I thought of them. I said, they are like bugs, that they spread around, multiplying and consuming resources. But… I was wrong. People aren’t insignificant insects. They aren’t lesser beings. I am one of them, and I’m not a bug. But I am a sheep. I need a shepherd, just as they do. I need direction and help, guidance and protection. I make mistakes, I am petty sometimes, or childish. But I have the capacity fo good, for doing right. I just need to the correct mindset and guidance to do so. Dom is the right person to guide me. He is so intelligent, so wise and mature. He knows what is right, and what is wrong. He’s teaching me, too. I’m not a bad person, and I am completely open to learning from Him, to becoming more mature and understanding of things.

People aren’t bad by nature… they’re just neutral, I think. They can become bad people, or they can do good things. But they’re still just humans. Our actions define us, not words or thoughts. People have the capacity to do good or bad, whatever they are led to do. I’m not OK with hurting others… not for personal gain or preference. I simply wouldn’t do so. But other people might. Sometimes, I wonder why people do wrong to others. It seems like such effort and guilt to do so. Perhaps the people who do so are just misguided. They could change, if they realized what they were doing, I think. People always can change… no one is “stuck in their way”. Humans adapt, they either alter themselves or conform to something. I choose to change myself, always for the better. I have a wondeful shepherd… and I love Him. I hope He’s having some fun on the vacation, and I look forward to talking again.

Everything

I don’t need to worry about things… to fret or feel badly about something. To feel that I’m bad. If I feel uncomfortable or something like that, then I tell Dom. It’s always what He would prefer. My thoughts… my worries, they belong to Him. Our bond, Our relationship is built on trust. Both His trust that I will tell Him the truth about everything, and not simply when He asks. He cannot truly know what I am thinking and feeling all of the time. He’s pretty good at it often… but He relies on me to explain myself. To be honest, open, and completely trustworthy. He can count on that… I know this. But I have to keep it so implicitly clear that He can. He needs the evidence that I can provide- simply by me being open and honest. The evidence that I AM submissive to Him. That I do not desire to take power from His hands.

If I have a goal, set by and given to me by Dom, and I am having an issue in some area, or I desire reconsideration… I need to say so. It’s important that I am expressive of my innermost thoughts and feelings. I trust Him so very much… I never fear that He might damage or hurt me in any way. I feel supremely safe with Dom, as I truly am. My trust of Him is unquestioned. I would tell Him anything… I simply need to be consistent. It’s not that I have to state my thoughts and opinions flippantly… but I do need to be clear about how I feel. If I am distressed or worried, nervous about something, then I must speak it. Dom said that my health and mental condition are important to Him… so I need to keep Him informed. I can and will do so. It’s best, for me, for Him… for Us.

A Small List

Recently, Dom said to tell Him of a few things that embarrass me-  that I am shy about. I didn’t answer Him because I was so shy, and I let that get to me. That’s not such a good thing, I am quite sure. Dom isn’t toothless by far, but He still didn’t punish me. I understand what I did wrong and how better to do it from now on. I will be open… I might be embarrassed or shy about something, but I will still speak of it. So I decided… I’ll compile a list of eight things that embarass me. (or would embarass me if they happened) 

• Being referred to as slave, slut, or whore – publicly
• Being leashed
• Being hand-fed
• Kneeling before Dom – publicly
• Being inspected by Dom
• Masturbating before Dom
• Begging
• Having to ask for things, like using the bathroom or masturbating

Naturally, a lot of those have not been verified, but the thought of doing each and every one of those things is embarrassing. Very much so. If only I had actually stated those things when Dom really asked…

But I from now on. I’ll do my best to be completely open.

Illusions

There are a few things that I just can’t know. I’m locked into a perspective… a way of seeing things. I can’t see the end- the finish line. I may even be there… I don’t know. What I need to try is to understand that I do not have the capacity to know when I’m at the end goal. I think I’ll live to the best of my capacity; being the best I can be, as a submissive, as a woman, as a human. I don’t need to define perfect… I don’t need to hunger for an end goal. I need to try my best… to consistently be open, learning, and staying progressively-minded. The mind can conjure up its own ideas of what “perfect” is or isn’t… but these conjurations aren’t usually the truth.

The truth is, as long as I am doing what I’m supposed to, and Dom is happy with me… as long as I adhere to a moral compass… as long as I am happy, healthy, and staying open-minded, I’m good. That’s not an illusion… it’s not only to be dreamed of, or saught after in vain. It’s attainable, and it’s my way. My way of not feeling insufficient or imperfect. I only need to worry about that if I am given a reason to…. like if Dom were to say so. I trust His perspective, much more than my own.

Finish Line

It’s been practically dictated by my sign combination: Capricorn/Horse. Both are hardworking,  self-analyzing, focused on getting to a particular end. My problem lies there. I compulsively try to finish things, re-do them over and over again until I do the best I can. I remember a couple times, my family got tired of me playing the same exact song on Rock Band, multiple time in a row. I didn’t even like the song, but I wanted to do better. I obsessed over it until I got 100%, and then I moved on. It’s not a healthy habit to do such things, I think. Dom doesn’t approve of my compulsions, so I’m trying to cull them. It’s very hard… but I can do it.

It can’t hurt to have a motivating factor- Dom’s pleasure is mine. Becoming closer with Him… doing things that bring me nearer that result. But I don’t need to follow compulsions. They’re unwanted, and unnecessary. I’ve caught myself a few times trying to repeat things, trying to finish things, such as games, books. At one time in my life, if I was given a portion of food, I would eat it, and I would insist on finishing it. Well… that resulted in a weight issue, and I went though a few eating disorders and overexercising stints. Since then, I have a hard time rationalizing that I am to finish off what I’m eating. I have a sandwich? Ok, I’ll eat all but 20%. A handful of tomatoes? I leave two or three. I don’t advocate doing -that- exactly, but if I can alter my compulsions with food, I can change the way I react to my other compulsions. I just need to figure out how best to do it… how to adopt a healthier perspective for some things.

I know I can do that. I will be perfect someday… that’s my finish line. I just need to remember to enjoy the path up until then.